мне немного страшно. thus i will look for a mental remedy in my memories of the beautiful past.
i wonder now how is it possible to be calm and comfortably reserved, and at the same time experience strong aftereffects of adrenaline exhilaration. but it is. when you return from the slope, tired and hot, just having your wet mittens got warm on your way from the parking to your chalet, you can feel your sweat evaporating through the pores of your technical gear, your feet a little bit sore from a day of hard riding, not a thought in your head, and you look in the sky. the sky looks down onto you with miriads of diamond nails, never seen outside the cities, never visible down there, on the sea level.
the contemporary man, knowing a lot about things and matters unknown and unthinkable for his ancient predecessor, fails in matters far more impotant and universal - matters connected with nature and cosmos. i can name scarcely two dozen constellations, and i doubt i can identify more than six.
but when you're under the mountain sky, violet-black, velvet, shining with all the stars possible - you see and name the things universal. and there are not really much imagination needed to see a warrior with a sword and a pulled bow, wearing a rich girdle and sandals, and his dog at his heels. even now i can close my eyes, put my hand over and in the resulting darkness reproduce the most beautiful picture of the sky i've ever seen in my life - in Haut-Nendaz.
will i ever return? to the fireplace, to the cosy and sure misunderstanding - je ne parle pas francais, english maybe? - to the wows issued by choir of skiers when the mountain lift wagon rocks suddenly; to the eversmiling people, and that smile talks not of urge to look ok, but of the life slow and comfortable, of the strong belief that future has no surprises and everything that can happen have already happened many times before. it should be remakably easy to practice buddhism in alps.
to have a small home between a scissors of the mountain road, snowcovered all the winter, a big cat and a ski rental and repair shop down in the village. it must be perfectly enough to never think of troubling matters there.
will i ever be what i want and come to a certain end? i know what i love, what makes me painfully happy - painfully cause i can not find a strength in me to come to it and stay there...
i've seen a falling star there. bright and lightning-fast, it crossed the sky and faded out. i was amazed and stayed there, with an axe in my hand, staring in the darkness above. now i know i've lost something at the moment, and it lays there, and i'm longing for it terribly.